Women Are From Venus and So Are Their Horses A book that will keep you laughing from page to page! By Nancy Brannon If you want to read a book that will keep you laughing from page to page with situations with which YOU can identify, but forgot to laugh at the first time, this is the book you’ve been looking for. It’s written from the point of view of those “ever-patient partners of horse-crazy women n husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers n and how they are introduced to “Planet Horse” and all its sweaty, expensive glory without knowing any better (or when they do know better, blatantly against their will). They come along for the ride because they love the women in their lives and those women love horses.” As the book was passed around the Mid-South Horse Review office, staff members had to recite a particular excerpt and tell her own experience of this same type of situation, all the while laughing almost uncontrollably. Written by Netherlands “horse husband” Menno Kalmann, and translated from Dutch, the scenarios translate easily to any country, state or county, where there “exists the parallel world alongside the real one n the world of horses.” Kalmann says he “found out just too late n about a month after I got married that horses are not a hobby, but a way of life. In the world of horses, I am an outsider and there are times I find myself wondering how on earth I got caught up in all of this. It’s baffling, really-one might write a book about it.” And so he did. His first chapters focus on the strange (to non-horse people) vocabulary of the horse world. Accompanying his wife to a horse dealer to try a new horse, his mind conjures all kinds of strange images as his wife “treats me to an elaborate debriefing on all the specifics. 'He’s not in front of my leg, and when he is going round, the hind legs keep falling out!’ I gaze at her in desperation.” He continues relating his awkward adventures in building a riding arena for the newly purchased horse, then as a reader for his wife to ride a dressage test. Getting it all together to travel to a horse show leads to one disaster after another. At the Horse Show -2: “It is 7:00 a.m. and my socks are soaked already. I am carrying what feels like at least my own weight in fly spray, isotonic energy drinks, a top hat, a coat, a video camera, and a folding chair as I try to find my wife among the riders at warm-up. This should be easy: she is mounted on a horse, wearing a white blouse and a bib adorned with a pin, hair in a bun. To my dismay, everyone present fits this description!” Some chapters, like “A good Night’s Rest,” are reminiscent of Cookie McClung stories about traipsing all over the neighborhood at all hours of the night tracking wayward ponies who have managed to escape. There’s the wee-hours-of-the-morn trek to the barn to rescue the yearling who got himself cast in the stall. “The poor creature looked at me goofily, legs all curled up and bent against the wall. My wife suddenly shouts that we should roll him over. 'Watch out not to get kicked,' she suggests. My wife grabs a foreleg and mumbles comforting words, as we roll the surprised animal over onto his back like a log. The horse gets up, shakes himself down, and approaches me to express his thanks. Or so I think. After eyeing me briefly: 'What are you doing in my stall?’ he bites me in the collarbone. As I limp out of the stables with a nasty headache coming on, my wife is petting the animal: 'Did you get scared, darling?’” Chapter “Flies:” “As a result of global warming, we are planning on a cheap sun and beach holiday in Siberia, and the next Winter Olympics are expected to be held in Mozambique. Here, too, the effects of climate change are becoming noticeable. A new fly species has introduced itself; one we’ve never seen before.” To protect her horse from these flies, his wife “is busy trying to squeeze our mare into a burka. It’s an all-enclosing coat made of fine mesh, complete with the Ku Klux Klan mask and an infinite number of Velcro strips.” Chapter “Jerry:” “My general opinion about horses is that they’re not very smart. They allow us to sit on their backs, they are unable to play fetch, and I’ve never heard of a guard-horse or a guide-horse for the blind. Jerry, our ill-mannered pony, is the only one ever to display some cunning every now and then.” Jerry escapes from his stall and his escapades wreak havoc. “When outside his stall he had no trouble making his way into the feed storage. He went on to knock over all the barrels and bags of feed, then having reached the Land of Plenty, gorged himself on the grain to the point of bursting. As a matter of principle he took a few moments to break some random stuff, just out of revenge for his captivity. Pure mischievousness led him to discover a switch and flip it with his evil little nose.” Chapter “Moments of Peace:” “The sound of a stable full of horses just finishing their meal. A stable full of contented horses, and I catch myself thinking that keeping horses is not that bad after all. My wife is off to some contest to size up the competition. So I have the kingdom all to myself.” But the seemingly serene scene is not long lasting, as the horses are up to mischief once again. When his wife returns home, he is in the midst of cleaning up the latest “flotsam and jetsam.” “My wife hugs one of the horses and says: 'Now what is that silly man up to this time?’” Menno Kalmann is a writer and musician who lives with his wife, dogs, and horses in the Dutch countryside. Published by Trafalgar Square Books, information is available at www.horseandriderbooks.com.