People Whisperers: Training Your Human Horses train humans, too By L’il Matt Editor, Mid-South Kitty Review There are many animals out there who don’t seem to understand the nuances of getting humans to do your bidding. I am dismayed at how some animals let their humans develop all kinds of “vices” by not training them properly. We cats train our humans to accommodate our needs, while correspondingly maintaining our dignity and independence. Dogs have the gift of unconditional love, or perhaps it’s just a lack of short-term and long-term memory. Dogs always greet their humans with great enthusiasm and a wagging tail, whether they have been gone a few minutes or a few weeks. Using all that energy is so unnecessary, unless you just want to expend extra effort. We cats frown upon wasted energy, which is why we sleep the majority of the time. We cats train our humans to respond to a simple "meow." We meow to remind them to replenish our food and water bowls. If they have been gone for an extended period of time and our bowls are near empty, we reprimand them with longer, louder, demanding meows to remind them of their negligence. We cats "allow" humans to pet us when we want to be petted. When you dogs wag, there’s a 50-50 chance you’ll get petted or ignored. We cats do not allow humans to ignore us. We maintain an essential air of aloofness to remind humans of our importance. You must regularly remind your humans that they are “staff” and must cater to your needs. A dog friend, Cody, recently told me how he trained a new arrival at his farm. His human had “rescued” an abandoned, yet prissy little Shitzu. The Shitzu, of course, wanted nothing of the nasty outdoors. Well, that wasn’t going to last long at a horse farm! Soon Cody coaxed the Shitzu outdoors, and oriented him to the pleasures (questionable in my mind) of manure treats and fragrant “perfume” gained from rolling on some dead creature. We cats prefer to play with the creatures we’ve caught. Horses train humans, too, some more successfully than others. The "better-bred" horses treat their humans as staff, and as a result, have luxurious accommodations. They are fed regularly at least twice a day; have roomy condominiums, which are cleaned several times a day so they never have to lie in manure; have protection from those horrid, summer biting flies; have fans and excellent ventilation to kept them cool in the hottest weather; have the latest blanket wear and a heat lamp to keep them cozy in winter; and have lovely, green, grassy grazing fields. The downside of all this is that they work for a living! Heavens forbid! Carrying a human on your back is hard work! They must plod around horse show rings in sheer boredom; or race around barrels or against other horses at a track; or jump over obstacles; or do some other human-invented “recreation” for which horses have absolutely no natural inclination. Some horses herd other animals, such as cows. Just shows the inferior status of animals, including humans, who bunch together and can be pushed or led anywhere. No independent thinking there! We cats never herd! Dogs and horses often give in to human demands. Many allow humans to lead them around by leash or lead rope. How demeaning, and unthinkable for cats! We go where we want to, when we want to, depending on our inclinations, not humans.' The ancient horses of legend who preceded modern equines understood their superior status. Jonathan Swift documented these highly intelligent equines in his travels to the land of the Houyhnhnms, known as "the perfection of nature" in equine language. These noble, clean, honest, and wise creatures were once "the governing, rational animals, and held the Yahoos [humans] in servitude," Swift wrote. Over the centuries, these illegal immigrant “Yahoos engendered, and their brood, in a short time, grew so numerous as to overrun and infest the whole nation." Of the ancient Houyhnhnms, Swift “observed that they are subject to no diseases, and therefore have no need of physicians. However, they have excellent medicines, composed of herbs, to cure accidental bruises and cuts and other hurts in the body. The Houyhnhnms use the hollow part of their fore-foot, between the pastern and the hoof, as we do our hands, and with greater dexterity than I could at first imagine. The Houyhnhnms have no word in their language to express any thing that is evil, except what they borrow from the ill qualities of the Yahoos." Fortunately, there still remain a few Houyhnhnms among modern horses, who successfully manage their Yahoo staff. Those are the ones we cats admire.